How should you look after yourself emotionally directly after a breakup
Break ups are never easy on anyone, no matter if you’re the person who made the call or not. It can take time to process what’s happened and it is important to allow yourself to go through all of the emotions you feel. Ensure that you allow yourself time to feel every one of the emotions that pop up, rather than pushing them aside and hoping they go away. Place an emphasis on looking after your emotional wellbeing by doing things that make you happy. Sometimes it might be a case of distraction, perhaps spending time with friends so you don’t always feel lonely, or going to the movies as a way to switch off for a little while. Keeping yourself busy can be a good way to get through directly after a breakup, whether you throw yourself into work, or spend more time at the gym releasing those feel good endorphins.
How can you move forward - some guidance would be good.
Understand that moving forward takes time and you don’t need to be in a rush to do it. Take the time to process all the emotions and feel ok about being sad, lonely and all of those heartache emotions for a little while. Perhaps give yourself a timeframe to grieve and work towards feeling better each day. Continue on with your life in the most normal way that’s possible but be careful about just pushing emotions aside. Surround yourself with loved ones and those that make you feel good about yourself. These people can be key in allowing you to feel loved and supported through difficult days. Remember that you had a life before that person and it is possible to have it again, it all just takes time. “Moving Forward” doesn’t just mean dating again, acknowledge the small gains you make everyday that might have been harder for you the day before. When the time is right you will be able to reflect back objectively about why the relationship didn’t work and make the necessary adjustments for future relationships. Remember you will have harder days than others or just harder moments but that doesn’t mean you aren’t moving forward.
What should you avoid
As mentioned, you should avoid pretending everything is ok and pushing all of your emotions aside. You need to feel all of the emotions to enable you to process them correctly. On the flip side however, avoid dwelling on the past for too long and getting stuck in a spiral of unhappiness. Yes, you should allow yourself to feel all the emotions related to the breakup, but you do need to work towards getting better each day. You can still have bad days, but you don’t want to spend most days in bed crying or calling in sick to work because you can’t face the world. These days might still happen, but don’t let it happen everyday. Also avoid turning to substances like drugs and alcohol in an effort to mask what is happening. Yes they might take your mind off things but they can be a tricky coping mechanism that can send you down the wrong path. There are other ways that you can ‘escape’ your reality for a little while, whether it’s through exercise, time with great friends or a good book. Although tempting revenge porn or bad mouthing your ex to others in person or on social media are also not a good idea and tend to complicate the process.
How long before you should date again
This really depends on the person but you certainly shouldn’t jump straight back into another relationship. If you do, you might not have processed your grief and issues may arise later on. It’s important to deal with the pain correctly rather than masking it. If you do meet a suitable date earlier on, take things slowly rather than rushing into anything.
Should you stay friends with ex?
Again this really depends on the people involved and the circumstances. Breakups can bring out the worst in people and sometimes you might see things that make you not want to be friends with them and that’s ok. You may have separate friendship groups so it might not seem as important to stay friends (and that’s ok) initiallythough only spend time with people who are making you feel good about yourself and who are good for your mood. If it was your decision to end the relationship respect that the other person might need some time. Either way, both scenarios can be difficult for both parties and I tend to think that directly after a break up, the ‘out of sight, out of mind’ situation can work wonders. Over time you might like to remain friends but it can be a difficult thing to do straight away. Instead give yourself some time to process the breakup and consider a friendship further down the track when the mere sight of them doesn’t cause you heartache.
Breanna Jayne Sada is a Psychologist at LYSN.
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