Well, unfortunately knowing can be a little tricky because narcissism is often confused with self-love or self-confidence or someone that displays a healthy level of self-esteem.
The clear difference is that a narcissist often displays an exaggerated sense of self, a sense of grandiosity and what they're capable of, rather than simply believing in themselves and their abilities (which is self-love, self-esteem etc). Put simply, a narcissist is someone who has an inflated sense of self-importance. They have an exaggerated need to bolster themselves up, often searching for admiration and validation from others and not being concerned with how they get it. A narcissist is often chasing a ‘narcissistic supply’ of external validation and will stop at nothing to get it. They will often disregard other’s feelings, displays an extreme sense of self entitlement and have an inability to handle any criticism.
There are a few tell-tale signs that can show you’re dating a narcissist, but it is important that you don’t confuse their behaviour with other behaviours like self-love, self-centredness etc. Clear traits of a narcissist include a strong sense of self entitlement, a need to continually feed their narcissistic supply of external validation, a deep sense of insecurity (although often hidden from others), delusions of grandeur and a lack of empathy towards others.
What ISN’T a narcissist? What’s the difference between narcissist and selfish person?
A narcissist isn’t just someone who has a healthy self-esteem or is self-confident. It isn’t someone who simply takes pride in their appearance or is proud of how they look, or act, or proud of their job. Having a healthy self-esteem is a fundamental human need, something that is extremely important for our wellbeing. However, there is a clear difference between someone who displays traits of a healthy self-esteem or having a well-balanced ego, compared to someone displaying narcissistic traits. Narcissism usually comes across as being egotistical, yet in reality it often stems back to a fear of failure and personality traits that can sometimes seem like selfishness or being self-absorbed. But there is a difference. The difference between a selfish person and a narcissist is that a narcissist has no real empathy for others. This will usually mean that their relationship with you is all about them, their self-image and their chase for that narcissistic supply. Selfish people have the ability to be empathetic whereas a narcissist will often fake empathy in order to get what they want.
What’s the most important thing to understand about narcissism? (that it’s on a spectrum)
The important thing to know is that lately the term narcissism has become somewhat of a buzzword. With that means there is a lot of confusion around what deems a person a ‘narcissist’. There is a huge grey area around what narcissistic traits and behaviours a person can have, and it is not simply someone who takes a lot of selfies. With the term ‘narcissism’ coming into the mainstream, we’re seeing a lot of sweeping generalisations that fail to consider the variability of a personality. Put simply, narcissism is on a spectrum. All human beings possess some characteristics that could be deemed narcissistic, but it is important to draw a distinction between adaptive healthy narcissism to malignant pathological states.
What’s the danger with dating a narcissist person?
In all cases, dating a narcissist is toxic and will take a toll on your self-esteem. The relationship will often start out with stellar first impressions but over time a narcissist may begin to engage in gaslighting behaviour. This might mean that you find yourself in a relationship that is emotionally – or even physically - abusive. Overtime, gaslighting behaviour can make you begin to question your own reality, making you feel ‘crazy’, sabotage your other relationships with friends or family and make you blame yourself for fights or problems in the relationship. A narcissist will not take responsibility for their own actions and will often leave you with a diminished self-esteem and sense of self-worth. While it is possible to date a narcissist, it is something that has to be carefully understood and navigated with caution.
Author, Nancy Sokarno, a psychologist at LYSN.
LYSN is a digital mental health company with world class wellbeing technology which helps people find their best-fit professional psychologist whilst being able to access online tools to improve their mental health.
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